You Won’t Believe What Bitcoin Might Do in 2025! Crypto Prophet Speaks Out 😂🚀

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In a time not so far gone, when the world’s affairs appeared as mysterious as a peasant’s yearning for warm bread, a figure known to cyberspace as Rekt Capital—whose name, perhaps, would have inspired laughter among the gentry and suspicion in the village—made proclamation before his flock of 546,700 souls upon X (a place of more noise and folly than Moscow during Lent).

This one, Rekt, whispered prophecies regarding the destiny of Bitcoin, that creation of men’s unending greed and technological hope, informing the good people that another four-year cycle had been born. Yes, while honest men still counted kopecks and bakers rose before dawn, Bitcoin was, apparently, ready to ascend to “levels never seen before”—presumably, beyond the reach of tax collectors and nervous mothers alike.

“2025 is to be the year of the BTC Bull Market’s zenith,” declared Rekt, like some modern-day soothsayer in a wool hat. “2026, alas—prepare for the Bear Market! And lo, in 2027, we shall scrape the miserly bottom once more, so that, out of woe, a never-before-seen bovine future may emerge.”

The townsfolk gathered and listened (or pretended, while refreshing their meme feeds). For, according to Rekt, Bitcoin, like a stubborn Russian summer, would swell most impressively in this its year of youth. Why, such parabolic climbs had not been witnessed since the price of vodka rose before the last Tsar’s ball—just once every four years, he promised. The kind of moment where, if one does not trip over a goat or their own foolishness, fortune might smile widely (unlike your babushka on Mondays).

With the gravitas of a wandering prophet and perhaps the accuracy of one as well, Rekt presented a chart, a modern-day icon, suggesting first a leap to $150,000—no less!—before a period of collection, as if bitcoiners were potato gatherers pausing for tea. Then, onward, another ascent, straight to $200,000, a sum that could buy a whole field or, at least, a fine troika in stereo.

“Bitcoin,” he mused, “has repeatedly shown itself to be a tale of Re-Accumulation Ranges… but also of Downside Deviations therefrom.” Like a bear stealing honey, perhaps? Or a bureaucrat pocketing a little extra?

So the people stared at their screens and pondered these elegant cycles, these parabolic rallies and bear markets, wondering if they too might find themselves atop the world—or, failing that, at least slightly richer than yesterday. For now, the numbers on the glowing machine read $103,690—a sum tantalizing, but, as always, just slightly beyond reach.

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2025-05-11 12:25