You Won’t Believe What These Bitcoin Whales Just Did! (Hint: It’s Not Dieting)

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In the vast and bewildering cosmic ballet known as the cryptocurrency markets, there are creatures known as whales. No, not the aquatic, plankton-slurping kind, but instead the sort of whale that probably has an accountant named Neville and a profound dislike for government paperwork. These digital juggernauts have been seen shoveling vast quantities of Bitcoin into their cavernous wallets—a whopping 83,105 BTC in the last month, presumably because they already had enough yachts and needed something new to brag about at galactic cocktail parties. 🐋

Meanwhile, retail investors—those plucky, anxious individuals with wallets containing less Bitcoin than the average vending machine—have been scurrying for the exit, collectively offloading 387 BTC. Possibly to fund important retail purchases, like avocado toast, or perhaps to prepare for the eventual release of hoverboards everyone’s truly been waiting for.

Whales vs. Minnows: The Snaccening

Analysts at Santiment, who presumably have magnifying glasses glued permanently to their retinas, pointed out that while retail folks are abandoning ship at the first sign of a squall, our friend the whale is suiting up to endure a hurricane. The suggestion: with all this hoarding, Bitcoin could soon rocket past $110,000 and nail a new all-time high. Or, you know, not, because future-telling is hard and tarot cards are currently out of order.

This bout of enthusiasm comes on the heels of two major Earth powers—America and China—agreeing to bicker a bit less. After hurling tariffs like badly-coded memes for years, they’ve graciously agreed to a 90-day timeout. Taxes went down, optimism went up, and Bitcoin soared to $105,800, all without a single diplomat needing to move any significant body parts. 🙄

Before everyone starts ordering gold-plated Lamborghinis, however, a word of caution: Santiment waved a large, slightly damp towel of skepticism, muttering on X (because saying things on Twitter isn’t posh anymore) that these sorts of announcements often involve more smoke than fire. So if you’re tempted to bet your house, unicorn figurine collection, or prized sandwich, maybe wait for the next installment of “World Powers Talk Nicely For Five Minutes”.

Nevertheless, it’s business as unusual for institutional investors. Michael Saylor heroically added another 13,390 BTC to his growing hoard—averaging $99,856 a piece—because apparently his Excel spreadsheet had a blank row that needed filling. Altogether, that’s 568,840 BTC sitting pretty, with unrealized profits so large they’d make a Bond villain weep discreetly into their monocle.

Meanwhile, Metaplanet—whose name sounds suspiciously like a 1970s sci-fi TV show—quietly picked up 1,271 BTC, enough to put El Salvador’s Bitcoin stack in its shadow. And with a 170% yearly return, someone at Metaplanet is definitely getting an extra biscuit at teatime.

The Dull Yet Terribly Exciting Bit: Price Action

At publishing, Bitcoin is languishing at $102,427, down 1.8% in a move so thrilling it could put a caffeinated squirrel to sleep. Still, it’s up 8.5% on the week, handily outpaced by the rest of crypto, which managed a slightly more athletic 10.5%. On a longer timeline, Bitcoin is up 21.2% for the month and 68.1% year-on-year—magnificent, except it’s still 5.7% behind its all-time high. The number is demanding enough FOMO to power a small star, but still not quite enough for Laser Eyes 2.0.

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2025-05-13 15:52