In a performance almost too polished for breakfast television, Mr. Jack Mallers, co-founder and CEO of the unflinchingly optimistic enterprise, Twenty One, informed Bloomberg viewers—one can already imagine the marble conference table quivering with anticipation—that his company is “the most pure play Bitcoin opportunity” to ever grace these humbled capital markets. Poor Michael Saylor (he of MicroStrategy rebranding): apparently, buying a digital hoard and proclaiming it visionary is now passé.
Mr. Mallers assures us that Twenty One intends to provide more than the simple thrill of “just buying Bitcoin.” The mission is to whisk investors away in a bespoke carriage of capitalistic innovation: raising funds, designing “Bitcoin-native” products (does this mean austere UI with black-and-orange motifs, one wonders?), and profit margins so high you might need an oxygen mask to join in.
ETFs, according to Mallers, are for those who enjoy tepid, predictable returns—like a damp scone at a railway buffet. Far better, apparently, to trust a crack team (or at least, a well-dressed one) to amplify your Bitcoin per share. “A dollar with Twenty One stretches further than a dollar anywhere else,” he claims. One imagines dollars becoming positively yogic in their flexibility.
Mallers makes his case for capital expansion with all the gusto of a man pitching a new form of submarine travel—every tool, from equity to fixed income, will be wielded in the glorification of the Bitcoin balance sheet. The end game is supremacy, presumably crowned with a commemorative Satoshi bobblehead.
As for stablecoins—those allegedly “safe,” stable little upstarts—Mallers isn’t having it. “Bitcoin is a neutral, censorship-resistant public utility,” he declares, with the finality of a judge denying bail. “Stablecoins can’t sit at that table.” (No word on whether they are, in fact, permitted into the lobby.)
Twenty One, we are instructed, is not merely holding Bitcoin. It is building the very ramparts of crypto-modernity, brick by impenetrable digital brick. “It’s in our name, our board, our leadership—we’re a Bitcoin business through and through,” Mallers assures. Subtlety, it seems, is not a Bitcoin value.
So there you have it. Forget dull ETFs and sleepy index funds—Twenty One is here, sleeves rolled, ready to build the Bitcoin future. Presumably, while the rest of us are still trying to find our wallet keys. 🗝️💸
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2025-04-30 07:53