You Won’t Believe Which Schemers Are Hijacking Mastercard’s Next Big Crypto Adventure!

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Once upon a time – and by “time”, I mean last week or perhaps a foggy Tuesday in April – the great and gobbledygook-filled machine known as Mastercard hatched a most extravagant scheme. Rather than stick to their tried-and-true business of giving little plastic rectangles to the well-heeled (and the average Joe who just fancies a splurge), they decided to dabble in the mystical realm of stablecoins. Yes, you heard that right. Stablecoins! Magical internet money that refuses to go up, down, or anywhere even remotely exciting. 😜

Enlisting a troupe of digital wizards from OKX (the crypto exchange where rabbits most definitely come out of hats) and Nuvei (payments processor with a name that sounds suspiciously like a new kitchen utensil), Mastercard opened the gates for customers and merchants to hurl stablecoins at each other, all without anyone getting their fingers sticky.

But wait, the plot thickens! In this tale, Circle twirls in, spinning the yarn of USDC stablecoins, trailed closely by Paxos, clutching their own digital treasures. Everyone gets a turn to settle up with coins that, like well-behaved children, always mind their manners and stick close to their dollar nannies.

Said Jorn Lambert, mythical chief product conjurer at Mastercard,


“When it comes to blockchain and digital assets, the benefits for mainstream use cases are clear. To realize its potential, we need to make it as easy for merchants to receive stablecoin payments and for consumers to use them. We believe in the potential of stablecoins to streamline payments and commerce across the value chain.”

(Translation: “Our executives also like to sound clever at cocktail parties.”) 🍸

For those squinting in confusion: stablecoins are a wild kind of money – they’re cryptocurrencies, tied firmly to something dull and steady, like the US dollar. Think of it as taping your balloon to a brick: wild fun, without the risk of floating away.

Oh, and don’t forget – Mastercard and OKX have plans for a very special “OKX Card,” which sounds like something Willy Wonka might hand to winners of a crypto-factory sweepstakes. 🥳 Just imagine the excitement at dinner: “I’ll pay with my absolutely scandalous, blockchainy bank card, thank you very much!”

According to contraptions at ARK Invest, the value of stablecoin transactions in 2024 soared to a positively gobsmacking $15.6 trillion – apparently out-wizarding both Visa and Mastercard combined by lengths that would make the BFG reach for his calculator.

The total market cap of stablecoins is $244.6 million – or as the Winklevoss twins call it, “lunch money.” 😉

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2025-04-30 20:04