You Won’t Believe Who the US Treasury Is Chasing Across the Crypto Underworld

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In the sweltering alleys of Phnom Penh, not far from where the Mekong reflects the faded neon of dreams gone sour, the US Treasury sharpened its knives and set its sights on the formidable—some may even say excessively ambitious—Huione Group, that darling of the crypto-soaked underworld. The accusation? That Huione, with a twirl of its digital moustache, lent its velvet-lined corridors to North Korea’s own Lazarus Group for laundering cosmic heaps of crypto. 🚀💰

On May 1, the oracles at FinCEN (who are paid to fret on behalf of Uncle Sam) floated an idea: what if, just for fun, no US bank ever opened its doors—nay, not even a side window, not even that little slot by the janitor’s closet—for anything Huione-related? Not even for a single sou tossed in by accident during spring cleaning.

“Marketplace of choice for malicious cyber actors,” thundered Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, who, rumor has it, has never bought so much as a knockoff Rolex off the internet, let alone visited the infamous digital bazaars patronized by the likes of the Lazarus Group. Apparently, these notorious digital cat burglars have lifted billions—yes, billions!—from the beleaguered pockets of the American folk, who probably only intended to buy a slightly discounted treadmill.

“Today’s proposed action will sever Huione Group’s access to correspondent banking, degrading these groups’ ability to launder their ill-gotten gains.”
— A warning as grim as a tax audit.

Huione, naturally, did not stop at a mere crypto exchange. Oh, no, that would be too plebeian. Instead, they constructed an empire: Huione Pay PLC, Huione Crypto, and even Haowang Guarantee—imagine an online marketplace where the goods are as shady as the Wi-Fi connection in a seedy jazz club.

Now, technically, the conglomerate doesn’t actually have accounts in America. But, bamboozled yet? You should be! Because they do have accounts with foreign firms, which in turn have US correspondent accounts. It’s like keeping your cheese in a fridge, inside another fridge, inside the neighbor’s house. 🍕

The grand rule, as these things go, will marinate in public discourse for a full 30 days, so that anyone with an opinion (and an unfiltered cigarette) can weigh in.

Huione, or How to Build an Empire for Cyber Crooks… and Still Not Get Invited to Davos

FinCEN claims Huione Group laundered a cool $4 billion from August 2021 to January 2025. Included in this figure are $36 million from “crypto pig butchering scams” (which, one presumes, is as ghastly as it sounds, though less bacon is involved), and at least $37 million spirited away thanks to North Korean keyboard virtuosos.

Haowang Guarantee, according to the Treasury, is like a Walmart for scoundrels: everything you need to turn shadowy crypto into the squeaky-clean dollars that buy you a fancy dinner, or at least an expensive seat on a budget airline flight out of Cambodia.

The pièce de résistance? The US Dollar Huione (USDH), a stablecoin that, unlike your cousin’s frozen assets in legal limbo, cannot be iced by anyone—ideal for laundering, as FinCEN observed with a sigh and an urgent need for coffee.

Meanwhile, the National Bank of Cambodia, eager to avoid being an accidental sponsor of international chaos, declared that payment firms shall not touch digital assets. Huione’s local banking license? Revoked. Somewhere, a bureaucrat’s stamp pad still smolders from the fervor of the occasion. 🕵️‍♂️

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2025-05-02 08:01