Friday, sometime after lunch but before anyone could slip out to grab a coffee, President Donald Trump was seen expertly sidestepping more questions than a Discworld wasp dodges angry Nac Mac Feegle. This time, the subject: the Trump clan’s apparent fondness for crypto—something somewhere between family tradition and a spectator sport.
A reporter, whose job was clearly to try and dislodge answers like coins from the sofa, asked whether the President would consider dumping his digital assets for the sake of passing crypto laws. Judging from his answer, the president’s strategy was “Walking to Ankh-Morpork via Überwald.” Long, meandering, and full of scenery.
“Crypto! Hilarious stuff. I’m a fan, apparently. Big industry. If we didn’t have it, China would have it – frankly, if there’s ever a question of who ‘has it’ and it isn’t America, assume China has already built three of them and is now selling them back to us on eBay.
Now, everyone says when the stock market hiccuped, crypto only coughed a bit. That’s stability, folks. Or indigestion. We invented a robust industry. More robust than my uncle at family reunions after too many pies.
As for investment – I got tangled up in the stuff years ago, before I thought about running the second, third, or possibly nth time. I was knee-deep in Bitcoin before I decided which campaign slogan to plagiarize. I look at the economy, then at Biden, and honestly—entering crypto seemed less risky than running the country. Now? People are buying sandwiches in Bitcoin, or so I’ve been told by people who think sandwiches are still $5.
My kids, too—well, they believe in anything as long as it glitters or can be exchanged for yachts. But the important bit is, we built something here, folks. If we hadn’t, China would have built it, patented it, and forced us all to download an app before breakfast.”
Meanwhile, somewhere in the legislative crypts, Senator Adam Schiff dusted off a scroll and unleashed the COIN Act, apparently designed to stop officials (and their ambitious offspring) from using government gigs as their own personal crypto casino. The act says, in effect, “No speculating with coins until you’ve finished playing president—and not just you, your in-laws too.” The clock: one hundred and eighty days before your first ribbon-cutting, and two years after your last awkward handshake.
Meanwhile, in a dazzling feat of making money by not mentioning things, Trump’s financial disclosure revealed he’d acquired over $57 million from a decentralized finance outfit with a name so freedom-themed it could double as a Fourth of July parade float: World Liberty Financial (WLFI). His much-publicized memecoin—Official Trump—remained elusive, presumably because, much like Schrödinger’s cat, it only existed after 2025 and thus could not legally be seen or taxed.
On the other side of the world (or at least a very long Zoom call away), Ethereum wizard Vitalik Buterin called “political coins” the ultimate portable bribery machine—which, coming from a man whose brain runs on smart contracts and cryptic variable names, is saying something.
And in February, folks from Public Citizen shot off a letter to the Department of Justice and the Office of Government Ethics, wondering aloud whether Trump’s digital treasure trove is, in the eyes of the law, a gift, a bribe, or merely very confusing—possibly all three, in which case even the wizards at Unseen University would need more paperwork.
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2025-06-28 17:05