This Guy’s $7M Vanished After He Bought a Bargain Crypto Wallet. Oops!

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a crypto buff with a wallet full of virtual dosh is in want of a suspiciously affordable cold wallet—preferably offered by a complete stranger on the latest app craze from the Far East. Enter our hero, whose confidence in irresistible deals on China’s Douyin (that’s TikTok for the “Let’s try new things!” crowd) left him lighter by something in the vicinity of $7 million. Yes, you heard right: seven big ones. Bravo, Jeeves would have taken away the device by force.

According to those eagle-eyed sleuths over at SlowMist (top hats off, gentlemen), the “private key was compromised at creation”—which in plain English means the only thing colder than the wallet was our chap’s chances of seeing his crypto ever again. Funds disappeared with such gusto that even my Aunt Agatha’s pearls would envy their velocity.

Now, the wizards at SlowMist (probably sipping tea and shaking their heads) offer this pearl: many “factory sealed” or “discounted” wallets are, in fact, as trustworthy as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. The cut-price lure is merely a trap for those who like their sense with a dash of adventure.

Douyin has its own shopping bazaar, the Douyin Shop, where all sorts of third-party treasure troves await. “Caveat emptor,” as my Latin master would mutter, but who listens until it’s one’s bank balance that vanishes?

Crypto Disappearing Faster than a Plate of Kippers at the Drones Club 🍳

One Hella—no, not the Norse deity, but a chap with connections to Jihan Wu (Bitcoin mining big chap)—reported being rung up in the wee hours. The friend’s tale, so chilling, could freeze a polar bear mid-polka. The wallet? “A carefully designed hot trap,” fit for a criminal mastermind or a particularly cunning aunt.

Funds, once liberated, made a beeline through Huiwang (a name with the ring of a Dickensian villain)—a Cambodian collection of less-than-savory enterprises, dabbling in everything from shifty payments to shadowy crypto exchanges and, presumably, the odd snake oil stall.

Hella, with wisdom seemingly gained the hard way, opined: if you wish your digital ducats to stay yours, perhaps avoid bargains from third-party websites with more red flags than a bullfighting festival.

Crypto Swiped—Recovery About as Likely as Bertie Passing a French Test

SlowMist, ever the bloodhounds, traced the loot, but per Hella, the prospect of recovery was about as rosy as Bingo Little’s love life. Quoth SlowMist’s top security bod (alias 23pds, which I assume is the password he now avoids): staking one’s savings on a wallet that costs a pittance less is like investing in a timeshare on the Moon—doubtful returns, spectacular view of disaster.

The problem, as 23pds notes, is the innocent third parties who post these vessels of treachery. Honestly, the staff are likely more confused than Bertie Wooster at a chess tournament.

Meanwhile, Malware Runs Amok Like Uncle Tom After Sherry 🍷

And if that weren’t enough, a Chinese printer outfit was caught handing out crypto-stealing malware along with its drivers—stealing close to a cool million in Bitcoin. One can practically hear Jeeves sighing, “Not again.”

Kaspersky, not to be outdone, revealed hundreds of counterfeit Android phones already infected with crypto-thieving software. Somewhere out there, a villain is twirling a moustache and giggling softly while counting his ill-gotten gains.

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2025-06-16 09:27