Crypto news

During a conference, His Excellency confided that he prefers to keep Hassett in his current role, citing the usual concerns about upheaval and the possibility of losing a committee member who probably knows where the coffee is brewed.

Patrick Witt, some guy with a fancy title, said the DOJ confirmed the Bitcoin “hasn’t been liquidated and won’t be liquidated.” Great! So they’re just hoarding it like a squirrel with a crypto stash. 🐿️ They’re calling it the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. Genius. Next thing you know, they’ll be building a bunker and trading goldfish for Dogecoin.

UPDATE: Officially confirmed-those digital treasures snatched from the clasp of Samourai Wallet are not being turned into lemonade. They will remain on the grand USG balance sheet as part of the SBR. Take that, skeptics! 🥂

zkEVM on L1 – the plan

Such a marvelous spectacle hints at a renewed fervor in the ETH derivatives market! One might think our traders have returned from their winter slumber, ready to plunge back into the fray!

Strive, a Nasdaq-listed asset manager, just completed a deal so epic, it’s like watching a superhero movie where the villain is the stock market itself 🎬💥. The transaction, announced on Friday, follows shareholder approval earlier this week-because who needs sleep when you can vote on mergers? 🧠

The U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Eastern District of Virginia, that most staid of institutions, revealed a federal complaint filed in Alexandria, Virginia. It accuses Mr. Figueira of conspiracy to launder money-a crime as old as commerce itself, yet here rendered in the glitzy vernacular of blockchain and shell companies.

Enter Michael Nadeau, the Cassandra of crypto, who whispers: “This rally smells of yesterday’s perfume-lovely, but doomed.” 🧐

• Stablecoin funding, it seems, is the new black (though less stylish than cashmere). Eligible clients may now deposit USDC, with RLUSD and PYUSD joining the fray like latecomers at a cocktail party. Settlement? Near-instant. Drama? Minimal.
• CEO Milan Galik, a man whose enthusiasm for blockchain could power a small nation, claims these 24/7 rails solve “cross-border pain points.” Translation: No more waiting days for money to arrive while your patience evaporates like a teakettle in a sauna.
• The stablecoin market, now a $310B+ titan, thrives on the U.S. GENIUS Act-a legislative marvel that finally gave digital dollars the legal nod they craved, much like a debutante securing her first dance card.

He has astutely pointed out the waning security budgets, the ominous rise of 51% attacks, and what he categorizes as “impossible choices” for our dear digital currency. Bons warns that these fundamental vulnerabilities could very well erode trust and, heaven forbid, lead to chain splits! What a melodrama!