But lo, as the calendar flips to May, the harbingers of doom-those ever-so-serious analysts-begin their dirges, foretelling a bearish tempest on the horizon. How predictable, yet how utterly human.
In a new post on X, Martinez sculptures a Parallel Channel in Dogecoin’s 12-hour price chart. A “Parallel Channel” is TA talk for a price hugging two parallel trendlines like a couple of tuxedoed penguins in a very expensive aquarium. It’s traffic control for charts, darling.
The UK has moved forward with digital finance by approving new rules for tokenized funds. These rules make it easier for companies to use blockchain technology while still complying with existing financial regulations, allowing fund managers to more easily adopt digital technologies.
Fidelity’s FBTC ETF experienced the largest outflows, losing $191 million. BlackRock’s IBIT, the biggest Bitcoin ETF in terms of assets, also saw significant outflows, totaling nearly $167 million.
Key Takeaways (or, as we like to call them, the CliffsNotes for the Impatient):
The vast majority of the stolen funds actually came from just two separate events, which together totaled around $577 million – a sum much larger than all other thefts combined that year.
At the Bitcoin 2026 conference, Oldenburg discussed what it would take for a traditional bank like Morgan Stanley to start holding Bitcoin directly, rather than just offering ways for customers to invest in it.
The jury, a motley crew of bewildered souls, sat there like grapes waiting to be crushed under the weight of his words. Musk, the Tesla and SpaceX chieftain, had spoken these heresy during his civil trial against OpenAI, a drama as tangled as a ball of yarn in a kitten’s paws. According to New York Times scribe Mike Isaac, the remark came when Musk was prodded about a 2018 OpenAI scheme to raise funds through an initial coin offering (ICO). Ah, the ICO-a relic of a time when hope and greed danced hand in hand, and everyone thought they could mint gold from thin air.
Orbion, a cryptocurrency market analyst, is advising Bitcoin investors to sell their holdings now, anticipating a significant price drop. He believes the recent surge in Bitcoin’s price above $79,000 was a temporary lure – a ‘bull trap’ – that drew in buyers before the price fell back down as more people began selling.
Senator Ted Cruz’s recent vote to ban senators from participating in prediction markets was accompanied by a statement from Senator Marco Moreno, who argued that it’s inappropriate for senators to gamble with taxpayer money. He emphasized that serving in Congress should be considered a full-time honor, not a way to make extra income. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, as reported by Politico, agreed with the decision and encouraged Speaker Mike Johnson and the Biden administration to implement similar rules for the House of Representatives and the executive branch.
