Kaito, that paragon of crypto analytics, has declared the end of Yaps, its token-based engagement feature, and the retirement of incentivized leaderboards. A move away from open reward models? How novel! 💸🚫
Dated January 15, their letter reads like a plea from a forgotten village, beseeching the SEC to stop dismissing cases against crypto kings like Binance, Coinbase, and Kraken. Since January 2025, the SEC has closed a dozen such cases, including the recent surrender to the Zcash Foundation. One wonders if the agency’s servers were struck by a sudden bout of amnesia or if the coffee ran out. 😒
Key Highlights
Behold, the LMAX Group, a global FX and crypto marketplace, and Ripple, a crypto solutions company, have struck a deal so audacious it could make Queen Elizabeth blush. Their mission? To stitch together traditional finance and digital assets with the finesse of a Victorian seamstress. 🧵
Meanwhile, Bitcoin (BTC) is apparently in a contest to see how high it can go, hitting a high of $97,375 before realizing it still had to come down for dinner. Now it’s lounging around at $96,243. Not too shabby, but let’s not get too excited – it’s still just a number, folks! Ethereum is doing its own dance between $3,300 and $3,400, like it’s playing hopscotch with our emotions. At least it peaked at $3,391 before settling down at $3,315, down a mere 0.50%. Classic Ethereum! 🙄
Ah, the sweet irony! Nikita Bier, the high priest of X’s product temple, proclaimed with unwavering resolve: “Begone, ye merchants of artificial engagement! Your days of peddling low-effort posts for filthy lucre are no more!” And lo, the InfoFi model, a grotesque marriage of financial incentives and engagement metrics, was exposed for the charlatan it truly was. 😈
CME Group, a financial derivatives marketplace, announced plans to launch futures contracts for Cardano (ADA), Chainlink (LINK), and Stellar (XLM), marking another expansion of its regulated cryptocurrency derivatives offering. Trading is scheduled to begin on February 9, subject to regulatory approval, and will be available on the CME Globex platform. Because why not? The future of finance is here, and it’s just a few clicks away.
Crypto market watchers started buzzing. MacroScope, the analyst account that tracks institutional positioning, called the filing a “very important filing today.” They noted Dartmouth owned 201,531 IBIT shares valued over $10 million as of year-end, plus 178,148 Grayscale Ethereum Mini shares valued at about $4.9 million. Really? We’re doing this in the endowment now? 🙄
Iran’s ambassador to Pakistan, a figure of quiet authority, shared this revelation, hinting that Trump had even requested Tehran to refrain from targeting American assets. One might wonder if the President’s diplomatic overtures were born of genuine peace or a desire to avoid another Venezuela-style debacle. 🤷♂️
That’s right, my dear readers, 86.3% of all crypto failures since 2021 happened in this glorious year. 2025 wasn’t just a bad year for tokens; it was their personal apocalypse! 🌋💀
