While the mighty Bitcoin sneaks, slithers and tiptoes around the giant $100,000 mark — shhh, don’t spook it! — the real mischief-makers grinning ear-to-ear are the altcoins. They’ve exploded upwards like fizzy pop shaken far too hard, spraying double-digit gains all over the place. It’s enough to make a bear go vegetarian.
By jove, the legislation to drop the capital gains tax for plebs and patricians alike has cleared the gauntlet of lawmaking and now flutters nervously atop Governor Kehoe’s desk, awaiting a signature and presumably a bit of confetti. The Republican governor, star of stage, screen and, apparently, legislative reform, is rather keen on this performance! Curtain up, Missouri! 🎭
So here they are, panicking because—surprise!—the whole Bitcoin “halving” thing last year actually worked. Half the reward, half the fun. (Honestly, even my ex-wife didn’t slash things in half this aggressively.) Bloomberg says Hut 8 now raked in $21.8 million, which sounds nice until you remember it used to be way, way higher. Their net loss? $134.3 million! Last year? A profit of $250 million! That’s not a balance sheet, that’s a rollercoaster you get off and immediately regret the funnel cake. 🎢
Meanwhile, in another corner of this digital bazaar, CoinMarketCap, with stone-faced indifference, clings to the old 7 billion figure. The page doesn’t blink. Maybe it’s just habit—or maybe the machine is as bored as the rest of us.
The commotion in the marketplace! The infamously fickle derivatives traders (whose sincerity rivals that of a courtier’s promise) drove volumes up by 184%, so the data-mongers at Coinglass inform us. Open interest, ever eager to pile onto a trend like a fop upon gossip, leapt by 20%. New capital—fresh as young lovers at the spring ball—waltzes in, ready to stake its fate on Ethereum’s fortunes!
Learned counsellor, Mr. James K. Filan, remarks that despite amicable agreement between the aggrieved parties, one must still await the wisdom and discernment of Judge Analisa Torres. The lady must be satisfied that the settlement is not merely fashionable, but also beneficial to the public — a matter not to be undertaken lightly. Only then will this romantic comedy, with all its misunderstandings and unwanted suitors, receive its much-desired denouement.
This fabulous move came just as the entire crypto market decided to join the party, with Bitcoin topping $100,000 for the first time in three months—move over, everyone!
In the latest chapter of this galactic saga (Q1 2025 Markets “Report,” now sadly out of stock in all major bookshops), Ripple takes a triumphant victory lap, pausing occasionally to check behind them for lawyers in hot pursuit.
Such spirited activity by these well-heeled party guests seems to give the market a much-needed whiff of optimism. Our friends at Santiment, ever-watchful through their monocles, have observed these elegantly influential wallets tucking away more than 81,000 BTC. That’s a delightful little rise of about 0.61%—hardly pocket change, even for those who use gold bars as doorstops. And all this despite the market doing the financial equivalent of the Charleston.
Industry insiders are whispering that this move is all about Coinbase making a bigger play in the crypto derivatives space—think futures, perpetual futures, and options. Deribit is no small fry in this world. With a whopping $30 billion in open interest, it’s basically the cool kid at the crypto options table. Plus, the rumored $1 trillion in transaction volume for 2024? Yeah, institutional investors are definitely paying attention.