Crypto news

The boffins in the engine room have finally delivered the long-whispered batch transactions. Imagine the delight! Now, instead of shuffling coins one by one like a dowager at the bingo, enterprises can simply fling tokens en masse with one mighty heave. Absolutely spiffing for those who need to pay their minions—or distribute tokens to their adoring public—without breaking a sweat or a monocle.

Monsieur Benjamin Cowen, with all the pomp and circumstance of an oracle (and approximately one million disciples on the stage known as “X”), pronounces that bold Bitcoin teeters on the abyss, prepared to tumble below the sacred support at a mere, pauper’s sum of $100,000. Quelle tragédie!

According to a communique so solemn it ought to have carried a wax seal, the vast, magisterial pipes of Mastercard’s payments labyrinth are now twinned with the blithe blockchain rails of Chainlink’s interoperability protocol. Gladiators in this circus include Shift4 (handling the dreary business of payment processing), ZeroHash (custodian of cash and crypto, perhaps with a monocle), while XSwap and Uniswap linger nearby, ready to swap tokens like over-caffeinated coin-collectors. Oh, the glamour! 💃🕺

What is this act? Why, one that ensures politicians—and even those burdened with the misfortune of familial proximity—won’t be allowed to spearhead digital coin schemes, launch NFTs depicting bald eagles with golden toupees, or birth stablecoins destined to collapse more reliably than their campaign promises. The restrictions are to remain as persistent as that last cockroach in solitary, stretching six months before office and two long years after—because one never truly unhooks the hand from the cookie jar on the first attempt.

ADA, showing the resilience of a slightly sozzled but determined debutante at her third dance, pirouetted from a modest $0.5308 all the way to a rather dashing $0.5932 as trading approached fever pitch. Naturally, such exuberance couldn’t last—investors promptly had a tiny collective fainting spell, resulting in a dainty drop. Now, ADA is contentedly lounging at $0.5813, up 6.01%, and the trading volume—because apparently parties are contagious—still frolics about at a sprightly 11.92%, which translates (roughly) as someone’s yacht budget: $1.17 billion.

There buzzes a most curious optimism in the hothouse of crypto, as one learned legal sage takes the stage—his quill sharpened and social media ablaze. Anxiety, that rascal, whispers of the XRP case with the SEC meandering on till the sun rises in 2027, but Mr. Bill Morgan—whose wit one suspects is as sharp as his suit—dispels such fancies with the effortless flick of a seasoned barrister. On June 22, after encountering a particularly dramatic user on X (formerly Twitter, presently a gladiator pit), Morgan pronounced: “Delay? My dear, the calendar is not so cruel.”

Yueqi Yang, pen sharp as Siberian frost, whispers that OKX stands among the trio of crypto monarchs. Their desire to launch a U.S. IPO is less a sign of trust than of necessity—an act akin to applauding the bear, hoping it will not bite. Observers huddle in their digital dachas, murmuring that this might tilt the exchange’s fate: a folly, perhaps, or the combustion that forges legend.

According to U.Today (who I imagine are still recovering from the shock), Britto lobbed a single, enigmatic emoji onto X (that’s Twitter to you folk still living in the pre-Musk wilderness), sending the crypto community into a collective meltdown. An emoji. Just one. After fourteen years. It’s basically the digital equivalent of re-emerging from a bunker and saying “sup?”.

He is possessed by the cold conviction that our global castle—built not with stone, but the fever-dreams of fiat currency and IOUs stacked like firewood in winter—is bound to collapse. The weight of debt will not be borne, and the roof, shabbily mended, leaks already.

Solana, XRP, Dogecoin—they were the kid at camp who gets dumped in the lake, but they’re starting to swim again. All those risky bets? Kaput. Now we’re back to spot buying, probably by that cousin who says they’re “just dabbling.”