Crypto news

Behold, Bitcoin has tumbled under $90K, erasing its year-to-date gains like a tear in the rain. A 30% slide from its October peak-a fall as graceful as a drunkard off a barstool. 🍷

The crypto market is in a bit of chaos right now, with big shifts in the investor mood. Bitcoin ETFs? They’re seeing major outflows. But don’t panic just yet-whales are stepping up to the plate and buying big. So, if you’re not sure where to park your money, maybe look at these undervalued cryptos, especially the ones under $1.

With investors clutching their crypto wallets like they’re about to fall into a black hole, Schiff has seized the moment to declare the “digital gold” narrative as dead as a dodo. 🦤✨ And boy, does he love a good “I told you so.” But let’s be honest, if Schiff had a nickel for every time he called Bitcoin a scam, he’d probably have more money than Bitcoin’s current market cap. 💸

In the glittering cesspool of Dubai, on November 17, 2025, Dar Global and The Trump Organization announced their latest scheme: a resort of 80 ultra-luxury villas, perched like parasites on the pristine waters of the Maldives. A mere 25-minute speedboat ride from Malé, this monument to excess is slated to open by 2028. But wait, there’s more! They’ve also birthed the world’s first tokenized hotel development, a gambit to lure investors into the fray before the paint even dries. Eric Trump, the scion of this empire of bluster, and Ziad El Chaar, his partner in profiteering, lead this unholy alliance. Together, they marry Dar Global’s development machine with the Trump brand, creating a flagship resort that screams, “Look at me, I’m rich!” 🤑

According to the ever-so-dignified BitMine chairman, Mr. Tom Lee, the October 10th liquidations, coupled with the lingering question of whether the US Federal Reserve will decide to cut rates in December, have kept the poor crypto market in quite a tizzy. He has ventured to suggest that there are signs of ‘exhaustion’ among the sellers, though whether these sellers are merely fatigued or simply out of ideas remains to be seen. His technical analysis, which I am sure involves a great deal of staring at graphs, suggests that a bottom may soon be upon us. How thrilling! 🎢

This abrupt shift is like watching your in-laws argue over the thermostat setting. Traders now await the November 19 FOMC minutes like it’s the final episode of a reality show they’ve invested too much time in.

Oh, the irony! BlackRock’s spot bitcoin ETF, IBIT, now resembles a shipwreck, its hull breached by a tide of red ink and a tempest of bearish options. 🌊

Hayes takes a stroll down memory lane, back to April 2, 2025, during the “US Liberation Day” chaos when Trump decided tariffs were a fun hobby. This, of course, triggered the usual fears of a depression. But then, like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, Trump “TACO’d” (his brilliant word for calling a truce on tariffs) on April 9, and boom-Bitcoin shot up by 21%. He even goes so far as to claim that this rally wasn’t some kind of magical decoupling of reality, but merely a temporary distortion created by ETFs and Digital Asset Treasury vehicles. Well, that’s comforting.

Grayscale Investments, in a truly inspired moment of ‘why-not’, has filed for an IPO. They’re testing U.S. public markets with the same enthusiasm most people use when doing their taxes, expecting a friendlier regulatory climate because they’ve finally started looking both ways before crossing the street to talk to regulators.

To put it in terms even your Aunt Agatha could understand: Brian Armstrong’s brainchild, which relies on crypto prices and trading volumes like a chap relies on his morning tea, is looking decidedly wobbly.