Bitcoin to $100K? A Sedaris-Style Look at Crypto Hype

ETH found a similar swagger, trading around $3,360 with 24-hour volatility at about 1.9%. Its market cap clocked in near $405.62 billion and 24-hour volume around $32.43 billion. It also spiked to a local high of almost $3,400 on Jan. 14, which is the crypto version of a good hair day-flattering, but you know it’s not lasting long enough to matter to your retirement plan.

Binance Is Toast: How a Crypto Giant Crumbled Like My Last Diet 🍞💸

Let’s be real: Binance used to run this town like a mayor who never pays parking tickets. But now it’s got competition coming out of the woodwork like termites at a picnic. According to Bitcoin Sistemi (which sounds less like a data firm and more like a sci-fi villain’s prostate supplement), Binance’s global spot trading share dipped to 25% last December. That’s a 10% drop since November. At this rate, by March they’ll be trading Monopoly money for expired Groupons.

Argentina’s New Visa Card: Because Who Needs Cash Anyway? 🍋💳

Now, how does this magic trick work, you ask? It’s simple! Just lock away a mere 0.01 BTC, which is about the cost of a decent dinner (or a few cups of coffee if you’re feeling thrifty) – roughly $960 these days – and voila! You are bestowed with a credit line of a million pesos. That’s right, a million! As if money grows on trees or, better yet, Bitcoin grows on blockchain!

Saudi Arabia Trades Black Gold for Shiny Rocks! 🪨✨

Behold, the Saudi Arabian Mining Company (or Ma’aden, as the locals call it with a wink and a nod) hath proclaimed a grand expansion of its golden empire! Over 7 million ounces of the shiny stuff, unearthed through sheer luck and a dash of geological wizardry. Across four regions, no less! Active operations, early-stage prospects, and discoveries-all part of this grand farce we call progress. 🏗️🤹‍♂️