Crypto news

Turns out, nation-states are throwing money at zero-click vulnerabilities like they’re Black Friday deals. Why? To spy on high-value targets, of course! Diplomats, officials, and anyone else with a crypto wallet that’s fatter than a Thanksgiving turkey. 🦃💰 These hackers are using commercial spyware to compromise apps like Signal, WhatsApp, and Telegram. Once they’re in, your phone is basically their playground, and your crypto wallet? Just another slide in the park. 🎢

Now, hold your applause, because this isn’t just any stablecoin launch-oh no. Klarna is the first bank to venture into the brave new world of issuing a stablecoin on Tempo, a blockchain concoction by Stripe and Paradigm, designed specifically for payments. The reasoning? Well, it’s simple. Klarna sees the $120 billion in annual cross-border payment fees as a slightly unpleasant (and costly) side-effect of global commerce-and aims to reduce them. Bravo, Klarna, bravo! 🌍💰

Stablecoin transactions are raking in over $27 trillion a year now (yes, trillion with a “T”), and new rules in the U.S. and Europe have finally given companies the green light to jump on this digital bandwagon. Klarna is clearly seizing the moment, speeding ahead like an over-caffeinated fintech startup.

Solana ($SOL), that fickle maiden, hath jumped 5% as the x402 protocol doth stir the speculative pot. A blockchain so lively, it makes the court jesters blush! 🎭

In a post on X that was undoubtedly more dramatic than necessary, Glassnode analyst Chris Beamish (who clearly has too much time on his hands) has chronicled Bitcoin’s latest existential crisis through the lens of the MVRV Z-Score. This indicator, much like society’s judgment of one’s choice in waistcoats, compares Bitcoin’s market cap with its Realized Cap – which is essentially asking, “Darling, are you worth what you think you’re worth?”

1 reserve model backed by cash, short-term U.S. Treasuries, and things that look like cash. Monthly audits by Withum ensure that nobody accidentally prints money while the coffee brews.

My dear reader, what is this we hear about Pi Network stagnating like a soggy crumpet at a dinner party? The price flounders near $0.2380, bravely freefalling 1.54% in 24 hours. A performance more dramatic than my last column-though I do prefer my metaphors with a touch of panache 🌟.

Bitcoin’s trying to bounce back like it’s exorcising a crypto demon, but analysts whisper, “Surprise, surprise-it’s a bear market masquerade ball!”

Robert Kiyosaki, the gentleman who penned that book everyone seemed to be reading on airplanes a decade ago, has once again declared the end is nigh. “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” still gathering dust on bookshelves everywhere, has apparently equipped him with the foresight to predict global financial ruin. A heavy burden, one imagines. He speaks, of course, of a crash. A big one. Historically big, even.

The numbers they show, the “open interest,” well, it’s stuck tighter than a tick on a hound dog. Eighty-three point nine million to eighty-four point one million. No big surges, no panicked sell-offs. Just…nothin’. The price? Bouncin’ between fifty-nine cents and sixty-two. Feels like watchin’ paint dry, only the paint is digital and probably won’t actually chip.