Crypto news

In a statement that could only be described as a heartfelt farewell, Johnson declared it an “honor and privilege” to serve as a financial market regulator. She’s feeling all inspired and ready to “dig in and do more,” which sounds suspiciously like a euphemism for “I’m off to find a new job.” But hey, who can blame her? The world is her oyster, and she’s looking for “new ways to be of service to customers, markets, and our nation.” 🌍

This audacious maneuver swept the order book clean, liquidating all short positions like a broom sweeping dust from a floor, and sent XPL’s price soaring from a humble $0.58 to a dizzying peak of $1.80. It was a sight to behold, akin to watching a tumbleweed roll through a ghost town-unexpected and a little bit thrilling.

After a valiant (but ultimately failed) attempt to close above $112,500, Bitcoin started slumping back down to the $112,000 support zone. Who didn’t see that coming? 🧐

Between January and July, Iranian crypto flows limped in at $3.7 billion, an 11% tumble compared to last year. The worst of it? June and July, when things went from bad to “oh, dear, pass the klatch.” ☕ TRM Labs quipped in their report:

For six weeks now, Solana’s token (SOL) has tried to dance above $200, only to stumble and fall back, leaving traders pondering whether the problem is with the coin or with life itself. Meanwhile, Ethereum and BNB, those overachievers, have recently hit new peaks-making SOL look even more forlorn and redundant, like a forgotten stage prop.

Behold, the funding package! A cornucopia of $1 billion in CRO tokens (6.3 billion tokens, no less), $200 million in cold, hard cash, $220 million from warrant exercises, and a $5 billion credit line from the shadowy YA II PN, Ltd. Kris Marszalek, Crypto.com’s CEO, declared the project “unprecedented,” as if the word itself could mask the sheer audacity of it all. “The entire market cap of CRO? A mere trifle!” he proclaimed, with a wink and a grin. 🤡

The WFE-yes, the global stock exchange cheerleaders-has declared war on tokenized stocks, which they claim are “financial lookalikes” pretending to be real equities while dodging all the boring rules. 📜 They’ve sent a love letter (okay, a stern warning) to the SEC, ESMA, and IOSCO, basically saying, “If you don’t regulate these things, we’ll cry in our spreadsheets.”

In a missive posted to the digital ether of X on August 15, Eclipse Labs announced its descent into chaos. “Voluntary departure,” they called it, with a wink and a nod to the gallows. Chetty, once the darling of the crypto sphere, is now but a footnote in this tragicomic opera. And the workforce? Reduced to a skeleton crew, their dreams of glory shattered like glass underfoot. 🌪️

To “fire” a Fed Governor is but a trifle to our illustrious leader, yet this particular dismissal-Lisa Cook, a name now etched in the annals of bewilderment-has sent shockwaves through the investor community as if they’d discovered their coffee was decaf. And lo! The friction with Fed Chair Jerome Powell, that stoic sentinel of monetary policy, has turned the markets into a circus of panic, where Bitcoin and Ethereum juggle their worth like clowns with a slight case of vertigo. 🎪

Arthur Hayes, the co-founder of BitMEX and self-proclaimed crypto clairvoyant, made a bold proclamation during his keynote at the WebX 2025 conference in Tokyo. You know, no big deal-just a tiny little forecast that decentralized exchanges (DEXs) might someday rake in $258 billion in annual fees, up from today’s humble $1.2 billion. A mere 21,400% growth. Piece of cake, right?