Crypto news

On the auspicious date of July 29, 2025, Marti Technologies (NYSE American: MRT) declared, with all the pomp and circumstance of a royal decree, that it shall henceforth hold a portion of its vast treasures in the form of the illustrious bitcoin. A mere 20% of its cash reserves shall be allocated to this digital marvel, but fear not, for the company has grand visions of expanding this allocation to a staggering 50%, including other noble cryptocurrencies such as ethereum and solana. 🦄

Okay, picture this: Bitcoin’s ancient history just got a plot twist. Five wallets from 2010—probably gathering digital dust and assumed to be Satoshi’s secret stash—suddenly wake up and move nearly $30 million in BTC. 🧟♂️💸 Naturally, everyone’s like, “Uh-oh, market dump incoming?” 🤡

Cependant, ces fonds, aussi gonflés qu’un soufflet de fête foraine, risquent fort de ne point aider les candidats pro-crypto aux élections de 2026. La précédente incarnation de ce super PAC n’a dépensé qu’une infime portion de ses réserves pour les midterms, préférant concentrer ses efforts – et ses coffres – sur une seule grande poussée en 2024, comme une diva en pleine ovation. 🎭

Ah, Valereum Plc, the cunning sorcerer of finance, has cast its gaze upon the shimmering mirage of Bitcoin. Like a cat chasing a laser pointer, it now seeks to hoard this digital gold, aligning itself with the growing legion of companies that have traded their souls—er, fiat—for cryptocurrency. Their grand plan? To conquer the Real-World Asset (RWA) tokenization market, where even your grandmother’s knitting needles could become a blockchain sensation. 🧶✨

On top of that, it ain’t just the futures; the on-chain stuff’s been hotter than a boilin’ kettle! Circle, that clever outfit, minted 11% more USDC, pushin’ the total on Solana up to $12.2 billion. Stablecoins, that stable friend of the crypto world, saw transfer volumes skyrocket by 54% to a staggering $220 billion—with USDC alone makin’ up $186 billion of that. Decentralized exchanges (DEX) are churnin’ out over $900 million daily, and USDC peaked at nearly $2 billion like some kinda chicken on a rooftop.

The jobs report—an abnormally dull update on the labor market—showed only 73,000 new jobs, a number likely to induce frowns in economists and dismay in anyone hoping for a healthy economy. This was roughly 30,000 less than the optimistic forecast of 104,000, leaving investors feeling like they’d just been served a plate of economic oatmeal—bland, disappointing, and slightly irritating.

You ask, who are these grand patrons of the curious mechanical brain? Why, none other than Blackstone, TPG, T. Rowe Price, Fidelity, Andreessen Horowitz, and a medley of financial titans—names that roll off the tongue like loose kopecks down the steps of a cold Petersburg stairwell. Together, with a collective inflationary puff, they’ve helped OpenAI bloat up like a government official’s waistcoat after a state dinner.

Friday morning saw investors experiencing the economic version of a bad breakup—waves of disappointment and a deep, unshakeable gloom. The July jobs report, which should’ve been a cheerleading squad, instead read like a sad poetry slam. It showed only 73,000 new jobs—yes, just seventy-three thousand in the grand scheme—beating June’s pitiful 14,000 but falling way short of the 115,000 economists desperately predicted. It’s almost as if the economy decided to hit “pause” for a breather, or maybe just a nap.

The Pudgy Penguins (PENGU) rally, which seemed to defy gravity and common sense, is finally showing signs of slowing down. On the fateful Friday, August 1, the PENGU price dipped a modest 7%, mirroring the broader market’s downturn. Yet, one cannot deny the sheer audacity of its ascent; since late July, PENGU has soared by almost 500%, leaving BONK (BONK) in the digital dust and claiming the throne as the Solana-based (SOL) memecoin to watch. 🚀💰

Initially, DOT flexed its resilience, peak-reaching at $3.87 on July 31—probably shouting “I’ve got this!”—but then, like any good sitcom character, it was overwhelmed by relentless selling pressure, amplified by volume surges that could make a stockbroker blush.