Crypto News

Dr. Cat, a man of charts and cryptic prophecies, warns folks that we shouldn’t boast about bullish bells ringing before June the 9th. Seems that the cryptic Chiko Span has entered the barbecue, and the market’s got about as much sparkle as a pig in a mud puddle. The long-term monthly outlook still suggests a bullish future, but that don’t mean the ride ain’t bumpy. The first window of hope opens in the week starting June 16, but if Bitcoin don’t jump above $99,881—then get ready for a long, sulky wait until July 14, or maybe sometime in 2026. Patience, or perhaps just a lot of griping, is what’s needed here. 😅

Just last Wednesday, QNT climbed to $116, sprouting 95% from its springtime low—probably because it’s tired of being ignored by crypto enthusiasts. It’s now hanging around its January highs, probably checking itself out in the mirror and thinking, “Yeah, I look good.”

Our brave crypto community was still sipping their coffee, expecting Bitcoin to just wobble around like a drunken penguin. Instead, it did a spectacular nosedive on one tiny exchange—MEXC—leaving traders scratching their heads and muttering, “What on earth just happened?” Before you knew it, Bitcoin was trading for absolutely nothing. Nada. Zilch. People traded about 415 entire Bitcoins in just an hour, as if it were some sort of bizarre digital circus act. 🤡

Grab some popcorn because we’re diving deep into this crash to figure out if the bull run is officially over or if this is just another “oops” moment. 🙄

Yet, here we stand, just a month into the farce, asking—revolution or just another clever ploy to lure more naïve souls into the trap?

On the fateful day of June 6, the FCA, in its usual cryptic manner, announced that the brave retail investor might soon gain access to the treacherous world of crypto ETNs. Provided, that is, the notes are listed on—what a surprise!—an FCA-approved exchange. Because nothing says “trust” like being watched over by the folks who brought you the bureaucracy of centuries past. 😂

The 21-million Bitcoin cap isn’t just a number, it’s a mantra — until, of course, quantum computers decide to crash the party early. Enter QRAMP, or as it’s less happily called, Quantum-Resistant Asset Mapping Protocol — a fancy term for “we’re trying to keep the digital dragons at bay” — proposed by some Bitcoin wizard named Agustin Cruz in early 2025. It aims to do two things: keep Bitcoin safe from quantum fairy dust and let it dance across other cryptoverse floors without losing its shoes or number of coins.

TAO, that volatile creature of the digital realm, now dances around $369—down nearly 10% in a week, because what’s a market without some drama? CoinMarketCap reports it was above $400 just a few days ago, but then, like a teenager throwing a tantrum, it retraced, forming what the wise call a “retracement structure.” How poetic!

Beyond their dashing cloak-and-dagger reputation, VPNs are our digital bodyguards. They shield our sensitive secrets—from our bank passwords to the embarrassing search history—away from sinister ISPs who, in their infinite wisdom, enjoy selling us off like fashionable sneakers. Think of them as the digital equivalent of a very nosy but very paid waiter, except here we prefer the invisibility cloak. 🧙‍♂️✨

Picture stablecoins as the digital equivalent of that clingy, reliable friend who’s always worth their weight in gold—backed by real cash or “safe investments,” whatever that means. Not like Bitcoin, which throws tantrums and fights with the mirror—stablecoins stay calm, cool, and collected, whispering “steady value” into the ears of this fickle universe. Khosrowshahi, in his infinite wisdom, muses that these steady-as-she-goes coins could save Uber a pretty penny when distributing cash to drivers or jiggling funds across borders—because what’s more fun than international remittances, right? 💰📉