Crypto news

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Here’s the deal: Coinbase won’t kick off trading until there’s enough market-making hullabaloo and their technical widgets stop hiccuping. So for now, USD1 is sittin’ on the porch-added to the roadmap but not quite ready to chase tumbleweeds. Oh, and in a fit of transparency that would make a window blush, they even publish the contract address before launch. That way, everyone can stare at it and wonder when things will finally happen. 😏

In what can only be described as a financial farce worthy of a Wodehouse novel, our star trader has witnessed a downturn so dramatic, it’d make Aunt Agatha’s glares seem pleasant. Having built a reputation for turning a modest sum into a fortune, he’s now lost nearly all of it. The culprit? A sharp correction that wiped out his leverage like a stiff breeze through a poorly constructed hat. Four months of gains, poof! Gone faster than a plate of sandwiches at a Drones Club meeting. 😱🎩

Meanwhile, the XRP price chart behaves like a drunk ballerina, teetering between $3 and $2.75. These levels are not mere numbers; they are the gates of a digital Valhalla, where bulls and bears duel with algorithms. 🐂🐻

Now, with this approval under their belt, they’ve got a one-way ticket to offer services like custody and trading in the land of over-regulated bureaucrats-and let’s be real, that’s a whole different beast. Welcome to the jungle, Malta-style! 🏰

Ali Martinez dropped some hot takes, sharing that the TD Sequential indicator is flashing a fresh buy signal on Pudgy Penguins’ daily chart after a nine-count downtrend. Translation: the bears are tired, and the bulls are ready to charge. 🐂

Bitcoin bears are sharpening their claws below $114,000, ready to pounce as options expiry looms. 🐻⚔️

JPMorgan’s “Digital Debt Service” platform lets big-shot investors trade blockchain-based IOUs. Imagine a circus, but instead of clowns, they juggle digital bonds. 🤹‍♂️

So apparently, one single Bitcoin is now worth approximately one hundred and twelve thousand pounds. Which is frankly absurd. That’s more than I spent on my entire flat. And my flat has a working toilet, which is more than can be said for the blockchain, which just has a lot of people arguing. It briefly got a bit wobbly, like me after three chardonnays, but then it perked up again. Resilience, darling. We could all learn a bit from Bitcoin.

On a sunny August day, Coinbase, the grand wizard of cryptocurrency exchanges, waved its wand and added five new altcoins to its magical roadmap. Among them was the ever-so-popular meme coin SPX6900 (SPX) and a few others with names that sound like they belong in a sci-fi movie: AWE Network (AWE), Dolomite (DOLO), Flock (FLOCK), and Solayer (LAYER). 🚀