Picture the scene: a somber office, a flickering lamp, and Vladimir Tenev, the CEO of Robinhood, sits near the window and stares at an empty teacup. The United States, after long years wandering in the barren steppes of overregulation and “guidance” vague as the Russian fog, has finally allowed crypto a little air. At last, sighs Tenev, the regulators have loosened their grip—perhaps they grew tired, or perhaps they misplaced the paperwork.
In a recent fireside chat—with fewer cigars and more impatient glances—Tenev described this moment as a “rebirth.” One imagines him gesturing at the rising sun, only it’s his phone screen, glowing with Robinhood app notifications. American firms, once left behind, now stagger back into the light, blinking in confusion, like Tolstoy’s peasants after a particularly rough winter.
He credits this change not so much to vision, but more to political winds shifting. The regulators, apparently, have traded in their swords for rubber stamps—and who could blame them? Bureaucratic duels are dreadfully exhausting.
Trading Frenzy: When The Rules Take A Nap
Robinhood’s crypto revenue doubled in 2024. Twice as much! (Or as one might say in the village, a miracle rivaling spring potatoes.) Tenev finds this perfectly sensible—the less the government yells, the more people buy and sell. Surprising to some, but not to anyone who’s ever sneaked a sweet roll when Father wasn’t looking. 🍰
For years, companies like Robinhood lived in suspense—not the thrilling Dostoyevsky kind, just endless paperwork and the looming possibility of getting yelled at by someone in a dull suit. Now, the mood is brighter, a bit like rain clouds parting to reveal… well, taxes. But friendlier taxes.
The latest ruling class, apparently inspired by a newfound fondness for digital fortunes (or perhaps just bored of old-fashioned enforcement), has slowed the legal doom parade and allowed crypto companies to roam the prairie unsupervised—at least until someone notices they’re missing.
The SEC Discovers It Has Better Things To Do
In February 2025, miracle of miracles, the US Securities and Exchange Commission dropped its investigation into Robinhood, presumably after realizing it had left the stove on. The drama began with a Wells Notice in May 2024—those little love letters regulators send when they’re cross, slightly hungry, and in need of headlines.
—YEAR 2 DAY 292—
The Robinhood CEO, with some passion and perhaps too much coffee, proclaims that crypto in America was suppressed, oppressed, and perhaps slightly depressed by the previous regime. Now, like a Dostoyevskian protagonist, it’s chasing redemption.
Soon, America will not only catch up to other markets, but—gasp!—even surpass them. All it needs is a stern look and the threat of missing out on the next great bubble.
— Chad Steingraber (@ChadSteingraber) May 7, 2025
Robinhood made its case, insisting that it tried—possibly desperately so—to go by the book, if only the book had any pages. According to its legal sages, calls to the SEC went unanswered, perhaps drowned in a sea of other pleas. The investigation ended, as Russian stories often do, anticlimactically—and without punishment.
Crypto Companies Dream of Laws (but Not Too Many)
Tenev says the industry needs clear legislation, although, in true Chekhovian fashion, one wonders whether clarity will ever arrive. The tone from Washington may be lighter now, but the laws themselves remain as elusive as a summer dacha breeze.
Most companies know this territory by heart—or at least claim so after a few shots of vodka—but without official certainty, doubts creep in like an existential crisis at twilight. Businesses creep back into the market, throwing nervous glances over their shoulders, afraid that the fickle hand of regulation might once again reach into their pockets.
Trump Finds Crypto Worthy of a Toast
The President, Donald Trump, has also decided that digital coins are not just for the feverish dreams of tech bros. He declared crypto vital to the economy and, with bravado befitting a Chekhov character lost on the Moscow stage, warned that China may win the race if America dallies any longer.
He praised Bitcoin’s dogged endurance through market storms. Some might say it performed better than American stocks; others might say it’s just harder to understand. The SEC, for now, is blissfully silent.
Thus, after years in the wilderness, American crypto finds itself back at the table—slightly disheveled, suspicious of good fortune, but ready to bet the samovar. 🍵
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2025-05-09 11:42