Oh, perfect. Just when I’d finally convinced Grandma to invest her bingo winnings into Bitcoin, some genius goes and invents a quantum computer that’ll crack crypto faster than she can say “Easter egg hunt.” According to Charles Edwards-self-proclaimed crypto Cassandra and vibe-killer extraordinaire-the clock’s ticking. March 8, 2028, 11:23 a.m., to be exact. That’s when Shor’s algorithm will swoop in like a toddler with a screwdriver, dismantling every private key in existence. 🎉
The “Quantum Doom Clock” (because nothing says optimism like a countdown to financial apocalypse) bases this on “science.” It claims that in two years, four months, and two days, quantum processors will hit 1,673 logical qubits. That’s enough to turn Bitcoin’s encryption into the digital equivalent of a Post-it note sealed with a kiss. Elliptic curves? RSA? Just fancy math terms for “hope you like losing money.”
“Bitcoin may have just 2 years 4 months and 2 days. (But who’s counting?)”
– Charles Edwards (@caprioleio) November 5, 2025 📱💀
The model, crafted by Dr. Richard Carback (cryptographic pioneer and probable insomniac) and Colton Dillon (crypto entrepreneur, presumably wearing a tin foil hat), assumes quantum computing keeps growing exponentially. From 53 qubits in 2019 to 6,000 by 2027? Sounds about as realistic as my diet lasting longer than a TikTok trend. 🚀
Doomsday? More Like Q-Day (Queue the Sirens)
Once these quantum beasts hit 1,673 qubits, Shor’s algorithm will crack private keys like a microwave beeping at 12:07 a.m.-sudden, inevitable, and deeply annoying. Bitcoin wallets? Vulnerable. Ethereum? Same. The entire $2.5 trillion crypto economy? Poof. Gone. Replaced by the sound of mathematicians high-fiving in a void. 🚨💸
Unless blockchains magically switch to quantum-safe algorithms overnight (and let’s be real, “overnight” in tech time is a century), we’re all just one breakthrough away from a digital dumpster fire. But hey, at least Grandma’s bingo money is safe in her mattress. Probably. 😅
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2025-11-05 18:56