Samourai Bitcoin’s Mysterious Stay: Government’s Secret Stash! 💰🔒

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Samourai Bitcoin‘s Mysterious Stay: Government’s Secret Stash! 💰🔒

In a twist fit for a Bulgakov novel, the U.S. Department of Justice draped itself in the guise of a benevolent guardian, whispering that the Bitcoin wrested from the shadowy developers of Samourai Wallet shall not be sold off to pay for their misguided coffee addictions. Instead, it will continue to haunt the annals of the Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. Ah, the bureaucratic ballet-who knew government officials could be so poetic about digital loot? 🎭

UPDATE: Officially confirmed-those digital treasures snatched from the clasp of Samourai Wallet are not being turned into lemonade. They will remain on the grand USG balance sheet as part of the SBR. Take that, skeptics! 🥂

– Patrick Witt (@patrickjwitt) January 16, 2026

The November Forfeiture: A Tale of Bitcoin and Bafflement

It all started in a haze of intrigue and speculation, reminiscent of a late-night vodka-fueled brainstorm. Rumors once hinted that the DOJ, perhaps distracted by a squirrel or the latest political scandal, might have liquidated a modest $6.3 million worth of Bitcoin-mere chump change in the grand scheme of illicit funds, or so they said. But no! Our government, in a display of uncharacteristic stubbornness, swore that the bitcoins would be preserved, not sold at some clandestine market’s yard sale. 💼

Turns out, the villains-Keonne Rodriguez and William Lonergan Hill-had their illegal affairs exposed when prosecutors alleged they facilitated laundering over $2 billion in shady dealings, which, frankly, sounds more like a bad episode of a crime drama than a courtroom drama. Both pleaded guilty, got their jail cell invitations, and everyone sighed with relief (except the bitcoins, which stood silently in confusion).

In November 2025, the developers transferred approximately 58 BTC to the U.S. Marshals, who, in a Kafka-esque twist, watched over their new digital prisoners-certainly not sold, mind you, just indefinitely detained, tucked away in some cryptic Coinbase Prime vault. The plot thickened as whisperings suggested that perhaps the coins took a clandestine detour, bypassing the USMS custody, which would be as clever as a fox in a henhouse. 🦊🥚

But fear not, dear reader-our government, with bureaucratic resolve worthy of a Bulgakov hero, has declared the bitcoins are firmly lodged within the vaults of the state’s digital treasury. No liquidations, just an endless game of digital hide-and-seek, as the government maintains a poker face, pretending they understand blockchain. Poker face with a side of intrigue. 🤐

And so, the coins remain, whispering secrets of the underground markets, while the government plays the role of the benevolent hoarder, forever guarding the digital treasure trove-at least, until some new saga begins.

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2026-01-17 00:02