Holy Handouts! Florida Pastor Channels Divine Inspiration to Pocket PPP Funds

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A former Florida man of the cloth, now accused of treating the US Treasury like a collection plate, faces decades in a federal holiday camp should he be found guilty of what prosecutors insist is “financial improvisation.”

The US Attorney’s Office for the Middle District of Florida-surely a department sorely tested by divine comedy-claims Marcus Eichelberger and an unnamed “business associate” (read: accomplice in fiscal fantasy) submitted applications to the Small Business Administration’s Paycheck Protection Program that were, shall we say, creatively fictional.

The PPP, that noble government initiative designed to keep struggling entrepreneurs afloat during the Great Pandemic Deluge, allegedly became the stage for Eichelberger’s entrepreneurial spirit of deception. Who needs a congregation when you’ve got loan forgiveness?

“After securing divine approval-or rather, loan approval-it’s claimed the funds were redirected to more spiritual pursuits,” remarked prosecutors, presumably resisting the urge to add “such as cryptocurrency and designer loafer collections.”

Authorities allege the duo then attempted to have these loans forgiven with all the sincerity of a televangelist selling prayer candles. The government’s loss? A mere $50,000-hardly enough for a down payment on a new megachurch jet.

Eichelberger now faces four counts of wire fraud, which in Florida’s legal lexicon apparently translates to “don’t out-scheme the system.” Conviction could earn him 20 years per count-a veritable marathon of penance.

When reached for comment, Eichelberger’s spokesperson reportedly said, “He’s busy preparing a sermon on the virtues of fiscal responsibility. Titus 1:7: ‘A bishop must be blameless, as a steward of God.’”

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2026-04-25 18:41